Right vs. Right Decisions: Part II

It’s actually pretty easy to decide in a right vs. wrong situation. Pick the “right” answer. But what if there are two “right” answers? How do you figure out what the two “rights” are? As the GDS Ethics Team continues our book discussion we have been learning about the paradigms to consider in navigating through the decision process around such issues.

We met recently and shared conversation around several “right vs. right” dilemmas. We struggled with questions that led us to rely on a common set of core values to guide us in selecting the best choice. The book we are reading, How Good People Make Tough Choices, by Rush Kidder, breaks ethical dilemmas down into four paradigms.

1. Truth vs. Loyalty: Do I report my friend for stealing or remain loyal to her request not to tell?
2. Individual vs. Community: Which needs are greater, one student with a special need or perhaps the nineteen others who are affected by her behaviors? 
3. Short Term vs. Long Term: Is it more valuable to honor the short term need to be honest about who was invited to the party or the long term need to maintain relationship? 
4. Justice vs. Mercy: Should every student who had a sip of beer be treated equally or should we have mercy on the student who self reported the incident and her involvement?

A simple sounding issue can be quite layered and complex. It takes time to consider all the possible ways to understand an issue and validate the realities from each perspective. Once there is clarity in which paradigm in most prominent, the next step is to be aware of style of thinking used to reach a conclusion. I find myself generally favoring the Care Based style, which is allowing the premise of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” to guide decisions. There are times however when using End Based thinking, or considering the greatest good for the most people, is more critical. And finally, Rule Based thinking, having one standard for all, although not my first inclination, can be very helpful and appropriate, particularly when considering an organization’s guidelines and/or policies (such as traffic rule, community laws, school handbook procedures).

Knowing and understanding our thinking style in reaching conclusions is like having insight into our own personal bias. We all come from our own personal perspective with preferences and opinions. Each of us has a unique set of life experiences and equally unique interpretation and perception of those experiences. This bias is what makes each opinion valid and at the same time very one sided and subjective. If we know where we tend to “come from” it can help us to balance our thoughts a bit towards objectivity. Collaborating with others is therefore key in finding the best answer to a right versus right question.

Sounds like a lot of work to make a decision. First there are four paradigms; all right versus right, so none of them are wrong. Second, we must be aware of our own lens and then deliberate in how we choose to look at the issue. But with practice and collaboration such discernment can become somewhat intuitive. It is something that must be developed, like any other skill. It is through feedback and thoughtful processing that we make our best decisions. And that is what being ethical is all about.

Several times each day we likely have an opportunity to work through a right versus right dilemma with our children. Right versus right decisions abound when you start paying attention to all the things you must decide every day. Do I correct my teenage son for making us late for school/my job? Absolutely the right thing to do. Do I say nothing because he already knows it bothers me and will only make him defensive? Not saying something may actually help our relationship.......Absolutely also the right thing to do. I found myself in this very situation the other morning. In terms of Justice versus Mercy, I thought the compassionate move of being forgiving was more critical than the justified verbal consequence he deserved. I also thought about the Long Term versus Short Term.......Allow this to go by and risk him perpetuating the behavior again or have one peaceful morning? Simple, but actually kind of tough. I decided to let it go, said nothing and I waited "patiently" in the car for him. Was it the right decision? Well, when he left my office for class this morning my 13 year old son gave me a hug. So for today, it was worth it!

Right vs. right decisions abound when you start paying attention to all the things you must decide everyday. As a professional, as a parent, as a spouse or as a friend I must carefully navigate the benefits and consequences of my choices. Sometimes I make mistakes. And awareness of where I stand and how that played out is exactly how I grow. This ethical consciousness is the most important thing we can model for our children. Rush Kidder does an eloquent job of capturing this in his book, Good Kids, Tough Choices. Teaching our children to live out our common values through ethical living is a skill that will guide them in everything from genuine empathic relationships to integrity in academics. The GDS ethics team is on a journey of self discovery and inspired leadership as we continue learning more about the complexities of ethical discernment.

Michelle Bostian, LS Counselor

Right vs. Right Decisions

Ethics.  A word that sounds dry and simple at first glance.

As a clinical social worker, I am required to attend continuing education classes in order to maintain my license, and it’s not unusual for the classes to have an ethical component to them. And, to tell you the truth, it can get pretty mundane, particularly when it is approached with a focus on right versus wrong decision making.

But my present journey with ethics is actually fascinating, rich and compelling.

I am one of several faculty members at Greensboro Day School on an Ethics Team formed to explore and establish our common ground of values, elevate our awareness of ethics and encourage moral actions in our community.  We have embarked on a journey of learning how we understand, consider and make ethical decisions on a deeper level.  We are studying right versus right dilemmas and decision making while learning that ethics is not just about doing one’s own work versus cheating; it is about being loyal to a friend versus supporting what is best for your classmates.  It is about making a decision to follow a policy to the letter of the law versus using compassion to fully understand the perspective and needs of the individual and their growth.  For me, it’s about taking away the cell phone of one of my teens when they are dishonest or supporting the value of giving them freedom in order that they may earn my trust again.  Right versus right decisions require discernment much deeper than right versus wrong.  It is easy to know when a child needs a consequence.  It is through thoughtful process that we discover the consequence that is the “right” one.

Last night, the Greensboro Day School Ethics Team on which I sit, met and began discussing Rushworth Kidder’s book, How Good People Make Tough Choices.  We shared our thoughts about why understanding the complexity and value of working through right versus right decisions is something we want to permeate the culture of our school.  Here are some of our responses as to why we believe that this work is important: 

• it builds transparency,
• it develops moral character, develops a necessary skill, promotes self awareness and cultural integrity,
• it creates a continuous improvement to our decision making and a framework to address ethical issues,
• it facilitates intentional reflective decision making,
• it increases morale of our internal community of staff and builds trust in the institution, and
• it provides a shared language and opportunity for collaboration.

We also shared some of our thoughts on the barriers we face in using strong ethical frameworks to make decisions.  After all, doing something right requires time and planning!  We ended our discussion with rich conversation around what we have going for us at GDS and how that will help us in our study and growth about ethical literacy.  We noted both our own love of learning and growing as well as our parent body support for all we do as two critical elements to the success of all programming at school.  We noted our students are open minded and that they respond well to high expectations. 

Our next meeting will include further discussion of the book mentioned above as well as conversation and analysis of ethical dilemmas using the framework in the book.  I will post updates of our work periodically, but please join me in sharing your thoughts anytime. 

Michelle Bostian, Lower School Counselor