Right vs. Right in Action

My awareness and sensitivity to right vs. right decisions has been heightened as a result of the many thoughtful readings and conversations I have had over the past few months while serving on the Ethics Team at Greensboro Day School. I felt this growing awareness quite deeply while attending the NAIS People of Color conference in Houston last week. The ethical dilemmas I encountered triggered a reaction in my heart, and I would like to share some of those dilemmas with you.

Sitting in a white affinity group for the first time (which is a blog unto itself), I discerned my first right vs. right decision. Across the cluttered circle of chairs, amidst brief introductions of who we were and where we worked, I was asked if I would describe Greensboro Day School to be progressive. On the one hand, it was right to be loyal to my home community, my positive view of the progress we have made, and reflect on the original intention of diversity when our school opened its doors over 40 years ago, as well as the diversity present in our faculty and families. Should I tout that GDS is one of the first schools in the state to have administered AIM (Assessment of Inclusivity and Multiculturalism) and that its results are a guide to our continued progress? Did I mention Tommy Webb, the Assistant Head of School, was amidst the discussion? “Yes, we are very progressive!” would be a right answer.

Another right answer lay in the awareness tugging at me that we have much work ahead of us. I had just sat through an incredible session hearing about the important work of affinity groups in schools for students who identify themselves as Black, Latino/Latina, Asian or GLBTQ (gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgender, questioning). The concluding video shared students expressing their reflections, including the vital role affinity groups are in their life and the impact to their community, made me well up with tightness in my throat. I also heard about schools with close to 30% minority faculty, including several in leadership positions, and similar statistics reflected in their student population. It would also be right, therefore, to say, “no,” we are fairly conservative and have much work to do to be considered truly progressive in this area. And so I did.

Although courage was helpful in answering the question above, it felt weightier as I navigated another right vs. right decision hours later. This was simpler, but felt so much more complicated. I had just left a session where I had been carefully sharing my first experience with race and admitting to strangers some of the spoken and unspoken messages I absorbed about race as a child from my family, especially my grandmother. Reconnecting with US teacher Estelle Bowden, who is black, we walked back to the hotel and shared our respective enlightenments of the day. The streets were loud with traffic and the air of the city smelled of oily exhaust mixed with the many delicious aromas from the restaurants we passed. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a stray cat ran across the sidewalk and startled us. It was a Calico, mostly white. Without thinking I chuckled, “Well that was interesting. I wonder what that means. At least it wasn’t black!” Estelle smiled and shared my brief laugh as we continued on the sidewalk. Or did she? What was she thinking inside? I recall from a class in graduate school that even our use of language is racist in its expression of the word black being associated with things that are bad. I was sick with a pang of guilt and embarrassment for saying something so ignorant. Here lies the right vs. right decision. Estelle didn’t seem to notice and I certainly didn’t mean anything by it. The superstition, “If a black cat crosses your path it is bad luck,” is commonly known. It was right to say nothing. Asking her about it may actually make her believe that I think she is oversensitive and analyzes everything white people say. Yes, right to say nothing.

But what lingered for me, in my private 60 seconds of anxiety, was that I am here at a conference on diversity, and I am aware I may have offended and I am CHOOSING to say nothing! How could I? Although I considered responding to the pit in my stomach, it was much easier to let the conversation rattle on to new topics and pretend that awkward moment, (just for me or both of us?), never happened. But the easier path is rarely the right path. Rushworth Kidder, in his book, Moral Courage, describes the powerful strength required to operationalize moral understanding into action. We have all said something and then realized a heartbeat later that it might have come out wrong, and knew the courage it would take to admit it. For me, the right choice to ask Estelle about the black cat comment outweighed the right choice to stay silent. So, twisting up my courage and prepared to be criticized, I did ask about my comment about the cat. For those of you who are curious, and to my great relief, Estelle wasn’t offended at all. She hadn’t even thought twice about it.

Day-to-day life provides many opportunities to notice and champion a variety of right vs. right decisions. Sometimes, they are seemingly small, and sometimes the dilemmas are sensitive and emotionally charged. The right vs. right dilemmas around differences in culture, race, socio-economics and sexual orientation are plentiful. Our Ethics Team will be participating in a two day workshop in January that will help us to discover and address the challenges in the many ethical dilemmas we face every day, large or small.

I encourage you to post your comments below; let’s keep the conversation going!

Michelle Bostion, LS Counselor

Talking with Your Children About Difficult Things

In light of the significant news coverage regarding the school shooting in Connecticut, it is possible you may be fielding questions from your children and hosting conversations you are a little unsure how to handle. Keep in mind that children will tell you with their questions how much and what they need to know. It is perfectly acceptable to say, “I don’t know,” in response to a question a child may ask you.

The following Web site might be of help to you as you begin to think about talking with your child: http://www.talkwithkids.org/first.html

Here are some additional tips:

• Before answering, it is a good idea to ask your child what she already knows about the topic in question.
• Be honest with your answers, but choose your words and explanations according to the child's understanding, and don't overload the child with too much information.
• Try to give answers that give hope and faith and are reassuring, but again, don't lie or give false hope or unrealistic promises.
• Be ready to answer the same question repeatedly. As has been found in several studies, even if parents do talk to children about difficult topics, children might later not remember it. So you need to have these discussions often. For a child, repeating a question might also be a form of getting reassurance.
• You don’t have to have all the answers. It’s okay to say, ‘I don’t know,’ but I will let you know as soon as I understand it better. The most important thing is that your children can feel you care about them.

Keep the lines of communication open. Do a lot of listening and reassuring. And look for ways to help your children cope. John King, Bridget Gwinnett and I are available if you observe any unusual behavior that may indicate your child may need additional support.

Michelle Bostian, Lower School Counselor

Sights of the Season

This time of year you see them everywhere….glowing in windows, hanging in bright spheres from trees, blinking in yards, flickering on tables, outlining homes…..LIGHTS! Lights play a central role in many of the holidays celebrated this time of year.

• During Hanukkah, a candle is lit each night for eight evenings. The candles bring to memory the miracle of oil lasting eight days instead of one after the destruction of the Temple.
• At Christmas, Christians use lights to symbolize Jesus bringing light and hope to a lost world. Stars represent the bright star that led wise men to Bethlehem after Jesus’ birth.
• Hindus, Jains and Sikhs celebrate Diwali, also known as the “festival of lights” between mid-October and mid-November. Diwali involves the lighting of small clay lamps to signify the triumph of good over evil.
• Kwanzaa celebrates the African heritage and culture. Kwanzaa candles are one of the most important symbols of the celebration. For seven nights a candle is lit to observe the importance of unity, self-determination, responsibility, purpose, creativity and faith.

In the dark, all lights look the same. It is impossible to discern the reason for their illumination but it is a great time for personal reflection. What decisions or actions can I make to assure that good triumphs over evil? What can I do to bring hope to someone? How can my actions and choices help bring unity to my world? 

Now the next step… 

What opportunities can I provide for my children to learn the importance of responsibility and determination? How can creativity be honored and nurtured? How can I pass on traditions that are important memories to my family and faith? 

 
Strive to be a light in someone’s dark world. Be a flicker of love, understanding and encouragement.

 
Beth Hopkins, 1st grade teacher

Right vs. Right Decisions: Part II

It’s actually pretty easy to decide in a right vs. wrong situation. Pick the “right” answer. But what if there are two “right” answers? How do you figure out what the two “rights” are? As the GDS Ethics Team continues our book discussion we have been learning about the paradigms to consider in navigating through the decision process around such issues.

We met recently and shared conversation around several “right vs. right” dilemmas. We struggled with questions that led us to rely on a common set of core values to guide us in selecting the best choice. The book we are reading, How Good People Make Tough Choices, by Rush Kidder, breaks ethical dilemmas down into four paradigms.

1. Truth vs. Loyalty: Do I report my friend for stealing or remain loyal to her request not to tell?
2. Individual vs. Community: Which needs are greater, one student with a special need or perhaps the nineteen others who are affected by her behaviors? 
3. Short Term vs. Long Term: Is it more valuable to honor the short term need to be honest about who was invited to the party or the long term need to maintain relationship? 
4. Justice vs. Mercy: Should every student who had a sip of beer be treated equally or should we have mercy on the student who self reported the incident and her involvement?

A simple sounding issue can be quite layered and complex. It takes time to consider all the possible ways to understand an issue and validate the realities from each perspective. Once there is clarity in which paradigm in most prominent, the next step is to be aware of style of thinking used to reach a conclusion. I find myself generally favoring the Care Based style, which is allowing the premise of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” to guide decisions. There are times however when using End Based thinking, or considering the greatest good for the most people, is more critical. And finally, Rule Based thinking, having one standard for all, although not my first inclination, can be very helpful and appropriate, particularly when considering an organization’s guidelines and/or policies (such as traffic rule, community laws, school handbook procedures).

Knowing and understanding our thinking style in reaching conclusions is like having insight into our own personal bias. We all come from our own personal perspective with preferences and opinions. Each of us has a unique set of life experiences and equally unique interpretation and perception of those experiences. This bias is what makes each opinion valid and at the same time very one sided and subjective. If we know where we tend to “come from” it can help us to balance our thoughts a bit towards objectivity. Collaborating with others is therefore key in finding the best answer to a right versus right question.

Sounds like a lot of work to make a decision. First there are four paradigms; all right versus right, so none of them are wrong. Second, we must be aware of our own lens and then deliberate in how we choose to look at the issue. But with practice and collaboration such discernment can become somewhat intuitive. It is something that must be developed, like any other skill. It is through feedback and thoughtful processing that we make our best decisions. And that is what being ethical is all about.

Several times each day we likely have an opportunity to work through a right versus right dilemma with our children. Right versus right decisions abound when you start paying attention to all the things you must decide every day. Do I correct my teenage son for making us late for school/my job? Absolutely the right thing to do. Do I say nothing because he already knows it bothers me and will only make him defensive? Not saying something may actually help our relationship.......Absolutely also the right thing to do. I found myself in this very situation the other morning. In terms of Justice versus Mercy, I thought the compassionate move of being forgiving was more critical than the justified verbal consequence he deserved. I also thought about the Long Term versus Short Term.......Allow this to go by and risk him perpetuating the behavior again or have one peaceful morning? Simple, but actually kind of tough. I decided to let it go, said nothing and I waited "patiently" in the car for him. Was it the right decision? Well, when he left my office for class this morning my 13 year old son gave me a hug. So for today, it was worth it!

Right vs. right decisions abound when you start paying attention to all the things you must decide everyday. As a professional, as a parent, as a spouse or as a friend I must carefully navigate the benefits and consequences of my choices. Sometimes I make mistakes. And awareness of where I stand and how that played out is exactly how I grow. This ethical consciousness is the most important thing we can model for our children. Rush Kidder does an eloquent job of capturing this in his book, Good Kids, Tough Choices. Teaching our children to live out our common values through ethical living is a skill that will guide them in everything from genuine empathic relationships to integrity in academics. The GDS ethics team is on a journey of self discovery and inspired leadership as we continue learning more about the complexities of ethical discernment.

Michelle Bostian, LS Counselor

Right vs. Right Decisions

Ethics.  A word that sounds dry and simple at first glance.

As a clinical social worker, I am required to attend continuing education classes in order to maintain my license, and it’s not unusual for the classes to have an ethical component to them. And, to tell you the truth, it can get pretty mundane, particularly when it is approached with a focus on right versus wrong decision making.

But my present journey with ethics is actually fascinating, rich and compelling.

I am one of several faculty members at Greensboro Day School on an Ethics Team formed to explore and establish our common ground of values, elevate our awareness of ethics and encourage moral actions in our community.  We have embarked on a journey of learning how we understand, consider and make ethical decisions on a deeper level.  We are studying right versus right dilemmas and decision making while learning that ethics is not just about doing one’s own work versus cheating; it is about being loyal to a friend versus supporting what is best for your classmates.  It is about making a decision to follow a policy to the letter of the law versus using compassion to fully understand the perspective and needs of the individual and their growth.  For me, it’s about taking away the cell phone of one of my teens when they are dishonest or supporting the value of giving them freedom in order that they may earn my trust again.  Right versus right decisions require discernment much deeper than right versus wrong.  It is easy to know when a child needs a consequence.  It is through thoughtful process that we discover the consequence that is the “right” one.

Last night, the Greensboro Day School Ethics Team on which I sit, met and began discussing Rushworth Kidder’s book, How Good People Make Tough Choices.  We shared our thoughts about why understanding the complexity and value of working through right versus right decisions is something we want to permeate the culture of our school.  Here are some of our responses as to why we believe that this work is important: 

• it builds transparency,
• it develops moral character, develops a necessary skill, promotes self awareness and cultural integrity,
• it creates a continuous improvement to our decision making and a framework to address ethical issues,
• it facilitates intentional reflective decision making,
• it increases morale of our internal community of staff and builds trust in the institution, and
• it provides a shared language and opportunity for collaboration.

We also shared some of our thoughts on the barriers we face in using strong ethical frameworks to make decisions.  After all, doing something right requires time and planning!  We ended our discussion with rich conversation around what we have going for us at GDS and how that will help us in our study and growth about ethical literacy.  We noted both our own love of learning and growing as well as our parent body support for all we do as two critical elements to the success of all programming at school.  We noted our students are open minded and that they respond well to high expectations. 

Our next meeting will include further discussion of the book mentioned above as well as conversation and analysis of ethical dilemmas using the framework in the book.  I will post updates of our work periodically, but please join me in sharing your thoughts anytime. 

Michelle Bostian, Lower School Counselor

An Ordinary Day, Except It Is Extraordinary

Last week, I was at GDS two times in one day, for Margaret's violin lesson and then again for Eleanor's lesson later on that day.  That is the normal Thursday routine for the Manning girls this year, and sometimes it feels like I am on a continual loop up and down Lawndale.

But it is so fun to see Margaret and the other first graders in her lesson (until you watch a child learn to play it, you have no idea how complicated "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" actually is, nor can you realize how beautiful it sounds when they triumphantly play it for you),  and to see their happy faces racing back to class.

And walking M to her class, I peek my head in to wave to her teacher, Parker Stall, who always smiles "Hi," while multi-tasking ten things at once for the students, so effortlessly they don't even realize how much she is doing at one time!  And the kids were doing something really cool and colorful as their math, and I watched for a second, as the math work was so hands-on, creative, so fun to see.

And on trip number two for Eleanor's violin lesson that afternoon, running back to school I see several parents and am happy to chat for a second about the 4th grade play and how much the kids are loving it and how great Sonny Willis is to pull of such a good production with these young kids.

Off to violin again. Eleanor's lesson was good and I reminded myself, it is not a chore to be there when the girls have lessons. I take a breath and look around, and recognize that it is a treat to see the girls during the day, listen to their news, and see their world.

A total treat.

After E's lesson, we left the violin room, and outside I heard music, not the strings students but contemporary songs, and saw kids outside eating. I asked E what was going on, was it a special day? She said, "No, it was a regular day, it is something that happens routinely." Just a regular day, enjoying the sunshine and music while having lunch on the grass with your friends, that is a regular, ordinary occurrence at GDS. I think, "WOW."

Eleanor was very excited to show me her locker decor, as decorating your first locker is big time important, I totally remember. Mirror, music posters, drawings from friends. She relishes the chance to have a locker and be responsible for it. I admire it, and she headed off to music, and I thought, "Music after violin? How great is that?"

Lucky kid. That is just a part of her day, every Thursday.

Still kind of dazzled by the outdoor music/lunch/lovely day enjoyment those kids were experiencing outside, and smiling about E's joy in locker ownership, I poked my head in her class to wave to E's teacher. And Peter Buxenbaum sat and chatted with me for forever about my older daughter Virginia, of his former students, and about Eleanor, talking with me as I told him stories about her. He did not look at a clock or shoo me out, although I know he had things to do and was super busy, he was happy and interested to listen and talk.

I know most teachers in the world are not like that, not interested in talking to a parent who shows up in the middle of the day and interrupts. And so I am super happy as I am leaving, seeing some other great teachers and parents, and getting a lovely hello and smile from Linda Shearer on my way out.  And outside is Stephanie Shoaf and a reading group, sitting on the lawn and on benches and some lounging on a tree, reading.

Reading, listening, enjoying the gorgeous day. It is just fantastic to see.
I am gobsmacked, really.

In a day and age where all of these things do not exist in schools anymore, my little snapshot of a regular, ordinary day at GDS is amazing.

I know that while I am watching these kids reading, my older daughter Virginia is in the Middle School, on cloud nine because today is one of the days she gets to work with her animal activist club.  A club that is part of her regular schedule, it is not a special occasion, not a one-time field trip. The Middle School has these great clubs for kids to further explore something that is meaningful and important to them. Virginia is so excited about helping with the animal shelter, it is tremendous that at 6th grade, she's getting to volunteer her time and energy towards something that is important to her, and this is all organized by the school and somehow they make it happen, during the regular course of the day.

On a normal, ordinary Thursday, that is just what happens.
I get kind of tears-are-prickling-in-my-eyes looking around, because this is just an ordinary day.

It is not bring out the big guns for Grandparents or Open House. It is a regular day, a Thursday, this is what you guys do.

That's GDS. Anytime you stop in, something fantastic is happening, countless different fantastic things at the same time, all over the campus. And I am so very happy that my daughters, my family is a part of this great school, and so grateful for the billion wonderful things that each of my girls has absorbed so far in their school experience.

I know this regular, ordinary day at GDS is polar opposite of what a lot of kids are experiencing at school on a regular, ordinary day.

I know it takes unbelievable amounts of time, energy, brain power, heart, and wizardry to make this ordinary day happen.

So I wanted to thank you all, for turning an ordinary day into an extraordinary one. That you make this happen every day is amazing, and a credit to everyone at GDS.

Allison Manning
Mom of Virginia, Eleanor, and Margaret

Get Outside and Learn!

Labor Day has come and gone.  We must acknowledge the “unofficial” end to summer, even with the continuation of these hot and humid days.  I find myself each year at this time beginning to miss the special pace of summer----the long days and time in the mornings and evenings to lounge a bit or work in the garden, to spend more time with family and friends, and especially to read.

One of my most interesting “finds” during this summer was Fuzzy Slippers Production’s video entitled Mother Nature’s Child.  I shared about three minutes of this 60 minute film during our Middle School Parents’ Night on August 30.  Our teachers will view it together on September 10.  And following that viewing, we will select a date to show the entire video to parents in order to encourage continued discussion about what I am hoping will be a growing collaboration concerning the balance that is needed in our Middle Schoolers’ lives, and truly in all of our lives, between time communicating, learning, and otherwise doing daily business----emailing, tweeting, blogging, shopping, paying bills, etc.--- with technology and time with equally important, productive and meaningful interactions in natural settings.

There is no question in my mind that we are out-of-balance and students are losing ground as they lack sufficient immersion in certain kinds of experiences that provide tremendous benefits to learning key skills---critical thinking, reasoning, curiosity and imagination, adaptability, creativity, problem-solving--- that reflect the needs of a 21st century learner.

As Richard Louv notes in his book Last Child in the Woods, children with more access to nature, received lower ratings for behavioral conduct disorders, anxiety, depression, and obesity than peers with less access to nature. Youth now know about climate change, about rain forest destruction half a world away, about overwhelming environmental problems at earlier and earlier ages. If we don't give children tools to deal with these issues, what will the impact be -- in both their health and their future actions with regards to these problems?

In the July-August Smithsonian magazine, a very interesting article by Professor Alison Gopnik was included entitled “Why Play is Serious.”  Gopnik makes a convincing argument that children (and even pre-teens) who are better at “free play” and at pretending can reason better about “counterfactuals”----that is, they are better at thinking about different possibilities.  And “thinking about possibilities plays a crucial role in the latest understanding about how children learn…They imagine the ways the world could work and predict the pattern of data that would follow if their theories were true, and then compare that pattern with the pattern they actually see.”  If we are to expect our students to have the greatest opportunities to “contribute to the world” as we state in our GDS Mission, we must support their need to “play,” to become critical thinkers, problem solvers, and creators of new ways to use resources and to do things.

Outdoor Education is a big part of the Middle School experience at Greensboro Day School. We help students to learn more about themselves and each other and to expand their knowledge of the world.

Our 6th grade spends many hours each season on a local farm to experience how each subject in school can be studied in the natural world. They learn how to build boats by combining math, science, and design skills so that their boats actually float and sail in the water of our campus pond. Finally, they travel to the mountains of North Carolina for almost four days of outdoor education, service learning and initiative skill development. 

Our 7th grade attends a program developed by UNCG and associates this experience with their broader advisory goals of becoming independent learners who know how to collaborate, share leadership and responsibilities, and set their own goals for improvement. They maintain a large permaculture garden associated with their science classroom and produce food for our campus.

Our 8th grade travels to Washington, DC at the end of the year to see democracy in action and the wonders of our national treasures at the Smithsonian, after having spent the entire year with fascinating lessons of American History, and develops even more sophisticated and applied leadership skills through researching current pressing social issues, seeking local resources to study the relevance of these issues to our own lives, and presenting persuasive speeches to convince the audience of ways to approach and/or solve these issues.

I would add to Gopnik’s points above that opportunities for play, and especially pretend play, are under pressure with overly-structured schedules and activities.  And I would add even further that play in nature is most restricted due to fears regarding safety and oversight and due to a failure to provide appropriate time in natural settings.   We are changing this at GDS.  Our farm and garden experiences, boat-building and outreach projects, and trips to wonderful parks throughout North Carolina, are a testament to that.  It is going to be a fantastic school year!

Ed Dickinson, Middle School Director

How Prowler Spends his Summer...

While some people think of this time of year as the “Dog Days” of summer, I like to think of them as “Bengal Days!” So no lazy days at GDS for me – I’m kicking up my paws and making you proud as the best (and busiest) mascot EVER!!! Check out how I’m spending some of my time…

Prowler stays in shape all summer long! 

7:00 AM: Birds chirp. That’s my cue… Growl, scratch, yawn. Time to get up.

7:15 AM: A healthy breakfast gets me ready to tackle the day. My meal of choice: Wesleyan Trojan Turnovers!

8:00 AM: Arrive at Greensboro Day School.

8:10 AM: Hit the gym for regular cat-isthenics. A Bengal needs to stay in shape if he wants to keep up with GDS students all year!

9:00 AM: Gotta keep a Tiger in my tank – no better place to get a healthy snack than do a little grazing in the Lower School garden. Is that Thai Basil or TIGER Basil?

9:30 AM:Stop by the admin building to give high-fives to the staff who work hard all summer long! While I’m there, help our receptionist, Laura Murray, answer some important calls.

Prowler lends a hand in the Admin building. 

10:00 AM: Team up with the maintenance crew to help them get the campus ready for fall. (My favorite job is driving the Gator – I’ve heard it’s a Cat Magnet!)

11:00 AM: Oh look! The slide is free!! Time to unleash my inner kitten and take a quick run through the playground!

12:00 PM: Lunchtime! Yum, one of my favorites – Ravenscroft Ravens Ravioli!

12:30 PM: Pay a visit to soccer camp and Taekwondo camp, both a part of Greensboro Day School’s Summer Camps.

1:30 PM: Take a quick cat nap under a tree.


2:30 PM: Wander down to Harris Field to run through the sprinklers and beat the summer heat. Shhh! Don’t tell our groundskeeper Todd!

3:00 PM: Chase chipmunks!

Prowler makes a surprise appearance in Taekwondo camp. 

4:00 PM: Chase ice cream truck!

4:30 PM: Time for a quick rally on our new tennis courts. If only those judges would quick calling “tail faults” on me when I serve.

5:30 PM: Dinnertime! My meal of choice: a heaping serving of HP Christian Cougar Catnip!

7:00 PM: Put on an oldie but goodie, “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof,” to watch with my good friends, the Wesleyan Trojan and HP Christian Cougar.

9:00 PM: Brush teeth, wash paws, and hit the Bengal Den after a long day. Can’t wait for tomorrow!

See you all in August!

Phew! It's another busy summer day. Time for a catnap! 

Tips for Senior Parents on "Letting Go"

The time has arrived… your little ‘baby’ is graduating from high school. It seems like just yesterday you were changing his diaper, watching her wobble on her own two feet, and celebrating the loss of his first tooth.

Letting go can be emotional. Below are a few tips to help you adjust to these next few months before your big girl or grown up boy heads off to college.

The emotional roller coaster Recognize that this is a time of ambivalence for all parents. The excitement and joy about opportunities awaiting your child are mixed with waves of nostalgia and a sense of loss. Seek out support from other parents who are going through the same thing. Some parents have held “Letting Go” parties, sharing photos and stories and intense emotions from the present.

The summer before Be prepared to see less of your child this summer. The closer it gets to departure time, the less you can expect to see of him or her. Rising freshmen will likely be spending every waking hour with friends. Allow them this special time together.

Communication: Keep in touch Talk to your child about how you’ll keep in touch. Consider purchasing a “call home card” as a graduation gift, allowing your child to charge directly to you all calls made to home. Review cell phone contracts. Talk about how many hours are reasonable. Of course, e-mail is quick and easy, and most students use it all hours of the day and night. Parents need to be careful not to be a “hovering” e-mailer. Johnny or Suzie will become weary of your contacts if they are too frequent. Plan in advance regarding times for telephone calls. Sometimes voice contact is reassuring.

Send tangible items E-mail and texting are great for informal communication, but students still may love an occasional old-fashioned letter that they can actually touch, feel and re-read. Of course cards, care packages, newspaper clippings, jokes/chuckles . . . all such tangibles are usually appreciated.

Above all else, celebrate your accomplishments as a parent. He graduated from high school. He did it! Which means, YOU DID IT!

Jackie Upton, Director of College Counseling at Greensboro Day School

Lessons from Students to Teachers

When you make the choice to invest in your child’s education, it often means some personal lifestyle sacrifices and a leap of faith and trust that you are investing wisely. I have walked the halls of GDS as both a student and a teacher. Over these years, I have seen amazing moments that have embedded themselves in my heart and mind. I have the privilege of working within the walls of GDS and I am reminded daily of the value of a Greensboro Day School education. This past Monday is a great example.

Part of being a good teacher is being attuned to all the issues facing our students, from academic pressures to social and emotional challenges. GDS’s long-standing commitment to Diversity education has exposed our faculty and staff to numerous experts and trainers over the year, but “Diversity” isn’t a lesson that is learned in a day.

Yes, our 21st century students are dealing with a great deal, and at a much faster pace, but when you peel away all the shiny hardware, the same issues facing teens are still there: learning how to become independent and at the same time, how to be part of a community; how to develop an identity built off family, friends, school, society and more. These lessons aren’t so cut and dry.

This year, when we started looking at potential ideas for our Diversity training and education we realized it would be best to hear from our main constituents – our students. No problem, let’s ask some kids to give up a good portion of a vacation day, create a curriculum, and learn the exercises so that they could teach their teachers. This may seem daunting to some, but our students rose to the challenge. The students opened up the floor at one of our meetings and came up with the topics they wanted to address with the adults of GDS.

The first exercise was about active listening; the second about how easy it can be to stereotype groups of people and how often those stereotypes don’t actually fit; and the final exercise was the most intensive -- teachers were given a series of fairly tough statements that they had to discuss.

Here is a sample of some of the statements:

• I have been treated differently because of my appearance, gender, financial, social status, religious beliefs. 
• I wish I knew of better ways to stop the cycle of bullying 
• I have judged a student by their looks 
• At times adapting to all the learning differences in my classroom can be challenging 
• When I was growing up I was exposed to a wide variety of diverse people and cultures 
• I try to incorporate topics of diversity in all of my lessons, examples and curriculum choices 

The discussions that ensued were intense – eyes were opened on both fronts – and everyone seemed to walk away with a greater understanding about what we have been doing well, and what we need to work on.

No surprise, our students were AMAZING! They allowed for processing, take-aways and were open when asked questions from teachers. When we all reconvened in the theatre, the student leaders were met with a rousing standing ovation from an emotionally charged room of adults.

From Kelly Sipe a Kindergarten teacher: “Students learn at a young age that their voices matter, their passions are worth pursuing (and will be supported) and their goals are attainable...that everything they need in order to succeed, they already have inside of them. I saw in these young adults the leaders of tomorrow that will advocate for themselves and others and will, in turn, make a difference in the lives that they touch.”

We still have lots of work to do – and that includes bringing our parents into the discussion. The doors are open to continue to collaborate to make GDS an even more accepting, inclusive and safe community.

Wendy Lavine ’85
Upper School English teacher and Diversity Coordinator

Why can’t they just be nice?

How do kids grow? Not physically, we all get that, but what are the things that actually push emotional growth forward? It’s not exactly what you would think. We all need positive attachments. Children need love through their mistakes and protection from dangers that we can avoid. They need affirmation, cuddling and extended story times. They need the calming routine of ritual to center them on a regular basis. What we sometimes forget is the value of hurt feelings, lost friendships, unanswered questions and broken promises.

The infant learns to self soothe when a parent can’t get to the crib fast enough to replace the “paci.” The toddler learns it hurts when he runs through the house too fast and turns a corner to meet the edge of a partially open door. We are all familiar with these things. We accept it with a knowing smile and a confident “sigh” that we have been there and survived. But then we also forget.

Once they go to school so many things occur that we hear about through the lens of our child. Because we love our children it causes us anxiety and guilt when they hurt. We turn into mamma bear or papa bear ready to protect them at all costs. How do we sort through the real need to protect our child and yet set limits on our propensity to rescue them when they are in crisis?

First, remember children are actively learning social skills. They have to start somewhere, and that is likely from a place you don’t really want them to stay. Normal developing children do not like to share, say hurtful things from time to time and really care mostly about themselves. While sweet and innocent and honest, they manage to also greatly disappoint us as well. What 4- or 5-year-old hasn’t said, “I don’t like that! I don’t want to! Go away, you are not my friend!”? Children who do not express themselves this freely at times may actually be feeling a bit anxious or afraid to say the wrong thing, therefore hesitating to speak from their egocentric hearts.

Second, we must be patient. These skills develop over time through a series of mistakes. The potty training child generally has multiple accidents before success. The toddling 12-month-old wobbles and falls often before triumphing at the walk across an entire room. The growing 5-year-old will hurt someone’s feelings, say something rude or embarrassing, and demand the right to retaliate on multiple occasions prior to integrating the values of our culture. It is through our continued feedback about their behavior, and even paramount to that, the feedback from their peers, that motivates them to shift from healthy egocentrism to the compassionate individuals we all hope to raise.

Third, be sure your school takes time to talk about and develop these vital relationship skills. If a child says a bad word he doesn’t need to be admonished. What he needs is to connect empathy for others who are offended by the language. Children naturally want to please us; we are the ones that take care of them. Capitalize on their empathy and you will see results that stay with them, rather than just seeing them obeying the rules when the authority figure is present.

When a child leaves another out or monopolizing play time with a few students they desire, we are seeing a tremendous strength. Initiative to connect and impact the behaviors of others is a wonderful leadership skill. Once we see this happening, again, rather than firm limit setting, we need to help the child connect empathy to the experience of others to help them curtail the behavior. The change we want to see is not immediate. Just like weight loss, it should happen over time if it is to last. So when your child reports that the playground captain is still acting like the captain, know that real change happens over time. And, note the incredible value of learning to relate and get along with those who think the world revolves around them. Don’t we all know a few adults like that? If we learn these skills as children we are well-equipped for adolescent and adult relationships. If we are not exposed to these conflicts we will not learn how to manage these relationships.

The point is, value the social drama your children experience. Carefully and protectively choose the school setting that will take the time for social and emotional education. Keep open communication with your teachers, counselor and school administrator about trends that don’t seem to improve over time. Get your child the support they need to navigate particularly difficult relationships. But please don’t avoid them completely, because it will only mean learning those lessons later in life. Once our pattern of relating to others is set, it is much more difficult to change. If we grow up learning to cope with a few difficult peers along the way, we will surely have the skills needed to manage the social arena of adulthood.

Michelle Bostian, MSW, LCSW
Lower School Counselor