Teaching Children How to Cope with Making Right vs. Right Decisions

Gilbert and Bob have been friends since 1st grade. Bob’s parents frequently argue and just last night his father stormed out leaving his mother sobbing. Gilbert is the only one Bob has confided in about what has been going at home. Today, Bob arrives at school with shadowed eyes, and Gilbert knows that Bob’s father must have left again.

Later that day in 7th grade science, a test was distributed to the students after a brief reminder about cheating. Bob anxiously stares at the paper. If he fails another test he will not pass this class. Without a word, Bob glances toward Gilbert and nods at the paper he has been staring at blankly for ten minutes. Gilbert is frozen for a moment. The words to the school’s honor code float through his mind as he notices that Bob has already copied two of his answers.

Would we all consider it right, through the eyes of a 7th grader, to have mercy on his best friend? Or do we expect Gilbert to assure clear justice by reporting the cheater? Should we teach our children to value loyalty to a friend over telling the truth? Or should we raise him to tell the truth no matter what the cost? How does anyone choose between the rights of the one we love and the rights of the community to which we belong?

Teaching our children right from wrong is fairly simple. Teaching them how to navigate between the values they know and then activate their courage to make the best choice can be tricky. Join Greensboro Day School in welcoming Pat Bassett, former advisory board member at the Institute for Global Ethics and former board member of the Council for Spiritual and Ethical Education, as he talks with parents about this important topic. September 25 at 7:00pm in the GDS Center for the Arts. Admission is free.

New Beginnings

"The ending … is merely the winter season -

the time of renewal and rebirth

that precedes the new planting -

the beginning of the next great cycle.”

- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I find teaching, students’ developmental milestones and my emotions to those events to be very cyclic and almost predictable in nature. For the last decade, I have come to be able to predict what behaviors and/or trends will manifest themselves in my classroom in October, January and May. Each August, I obtain a new class list and as I write those names on desks and in books, they are simply combined letters on a page. Fast forward to the end of the year and those names are no longer a random grouping of letters, but now define a relationship; an imprint on my heart and hold memories that I will remember for years to come. 

These cycles and changes are one of the many things that I appreciate about teaching. They grant teachers and students a new beginning each year. Whether you have a child entering kindergarten or 12th grade; whether you are a returning student or one that is new to Greensboro Day School; or whether you are a veteran teacher or a new hire - new beginnings can be both exciting and overwhelming at the same time. This year marks my 18th new beginning at Greensboro Day School. I feel the same rush of anxiety and excitement as I did in my earlier years.

As we approach the start of school, I find that children and adults benefit from some of the same strategies during this time of transition.

• Enjoy every moment of the dog days of summer, appreciate it for the season in which it is, and find comfort in the knowing that it will come again. 
• Find moments to reconnect with school social groups and to reach out to new acquaintances. 
• Begin preparing for the upcoming transition back to school a few weeks before the first day. Slowly adapt your daily schedule to provide routine, restful evenings and earlier bedtimes.
• Embrace the new school year and all the opportunities it will offer.
• Remain mindful, open and positive. We are all experiencing a new beginning. Within our school community, resources and support abound. Reach out to a member of our school family if you or your child has questions or needs support during this time.
• Allow yourself and your child time to adjust. Change can feel quick and rushed at times; however, it’s important to keep in mind that adapting well to something new takes time.

“Transition comes along when one chapter of your life is over

and another is waiting in the wings to make its entrance."

-William Bridges

As I wait in the wings to welcome back former students and to reconnect with peers and families that have become valued friends over the years, I also look forward to all the new people that I will have the opportunity to meet. Best wishes for a year full of meaningful and happy, new experiences and new beginnings. - Kelly Sipe, Kindergarten Teacher

Tech Tips for the Summer

Digital natives, iGeneration, and Millenials are all names used to describe our students. Regardless of age, these children are highly connected through their use of technology. With summer upon us, here are a few things to consider when thinking about your child’s technology use.

• How can you balance your child’s summer technology use and the other summer activities that s/he can participate in?
• How can technology facilitate your child’s summer learning experiences?
• What social media tools are integral to your child’s life and how can his/her actions with these tools impact their futures?

Below are links to 6 articles that provide parents with tips and tricks for managing your child’s summer technology connections.

The first two links are from Common Sense Media, a great resource for families with
children of all ages. This website provides a wealth of videos, articles, reviews and other information about the “world of media and technology.”
• 
  8 Tips for a (Nearly) Tech-free Vacation
  In this article, the author presents simple straightforward strategies for family-friendly integration of technology on vacations.
  
  Digital Fun for Creative Kids
  This article presents an extensive set of technology resources (apps and websites) to continue your student’s learning during the summer months. Activities in categories such as storytelling and coding help children aged 2-17 “stretch those creative muscles in fun ways.”
  

• The next four links provide resources for parents of students who are (or might be)
  connected through communication and media technology (e.g., Facebook, Instagram, iMessage, etc.)
  
  Do You have Any Idea What Your Kids Are Posting Online?
  This blog by an assistant superintendent, who is very connected himself, provides parents with some examples of how connected students young and old are misusing social media. There is also a reference to a blog describing Instagram and examples of household rules for using this tool. Although this blog is specific to Instagram, the information presented can be applied to other social media tools.
  
  Free Parents' Guides to Snapchat and Instagram
  In this article are links to parent guides for Snapchat and Instagram. These guides are short and to the point (6 pages each). At the beginning of each of these guides are concise answers to: 
  Why kids love these apps
  What the risks of each app are
  How to help kids stay safe using the apps
  How to report abuse and block problem users
  How to use privacy settings
  
  The Truth about Social Media and Admissions
  This article provides some guidelines for our older students who are applying or getting ready to apply to college. It is a nice discussion of why colleges would be interested in a student’s digital presence. For our younger students, the article provides some things for them to think about as they begin developing a digital presence.
  
  Ask.fm - Social Q&A website should be avoided by tweens and teens
  This post discusses Ask.fm, which is a question and answer website that lets users create accounts and post anonymous questions or comments. Ask.fm has been linked to cyber bullying incidents and other abuse. Although this article is written for parents at the Village School in California, it provides useful information and guidelines for all parents.

It's Okay to Say, "I Don't Know"

Many of us have a personal connection in some way to the participants of the Boston Marathon. There has been and will continue to be significant news coverage and our children are likely to hear information that is troubling for them and difficult to process. When unthinkable things happen we can sometimes find it difficult to think clearly about how to respond in a way that is helpful for our children. It is possible you may be fielding questions from your children and hosting conversations you are a little unsure how to handle. Keep in mind that children will tell you with their questions how much and what they need to know. It is perfectly acceptable to say, “I don’t know,” in response to a question a child may ask you.

The following Web site might be of help to you as you begin to think about talking with your child:
http://www.nmha.org/go/information/get-info/coping-with-disaster/helping-children-handle-disaster-related-anxiety

Here are some additional tips:

• Before answering, it is a good idea to ask your child what she already knows about the topic in question. 
• Be honest with your answers, but choose your words and explanations according to the child's understanding, and don't overload the child with too much information. 
• Try to give answers that give hope and faith and are reassuring, but again, don't lie or give false hope or unrealistic promises. 
• Be ready to answer the same question repeatedly. As has been found in several studies, even if parents do talk to children about difficult topics, children might later not remember it. So you need to have these discussions often. For a child, repeating a question might also be a form of getting reassurance. 
• You don’t have to have all the answers. Its okay to say, ‘I don’t know,’ but I will let you know as soon as I understand it better. The most important thing is that your children can feel you care about them. 

Keep the lines of communication open. Do a lot of listening and reassuring. And look for ways to help your children cope. John King, Bridget Gwinnett and I are available if you observe any unusual behavior that may indicate your child may need additional support.

Michelle Bostian, Lower School Counselor

"I am not Creative" 

written and performed by sophomore Katerina Forbis

for her poetry portfolio assignment

Getting Ready for Letting Go

How do we know when our children are ready to take on the responsibilities of “emerging adulthood?” How can we be sure we have given them the tools they will need in order to be successful in their lives? What exactly are those tools anyway?

Emerging adulthood is a term used to describe that hazy period of time between adolescence and the true independence of adulthood with a stable job, committed relationship, and parenthood. I once presented a parent education workshop in which I reported that the timeline of “adolescence” has grown to include children as young as 11 and as old as 25. It was not well-received, as evidenced by the evaluations! This is a 21st century truth, and college is smack-dab in the middle of it!

In his book, Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers, author Michael Riera advises readers to make an essential transition in the parent-adolescent relationship from manager to consultant. Manager parents, according to Riera, focus on their children making the best decisions, but consultant parents help their children develop decision-making skills that will carry them through college and adulthood.

For many young adults, going to college is the first time they will be on their own and responsible for themselves to some degree. This is an emotional time for most families. Teens can experience a myriad of feelings, from fear to elation, as they consider the great adventure ahead: meeting new people and beginning to discover a world that they will one day lead. Parents, too, are proud and excited, yet anxious about the unknowns. Luckily, there are a few things you can do to keep your sanity as you and your teen figure this one out.

Of course it starts with communication — what good parenting advice doesn’t? Riera looks at communication from all angles and talks about the “hidden benefits” of arguing with your teen. If we, as parents, can stay calm and listen to our teens, we can help them develop skills to be calm, confident, and persuasive with their peers. Psychologist Joseph Allen conducted research at the University of Virginia that confirms teens who learned to effectively argue with their parents were 40 percent more likely to avoid drugs and alcohol than their peers who didn’t argue well with their parents.

All parents worry about alcohol and drug use for good reasons: the short-term concerns about safety and the long-term question: will my child become addicted? Most teenagers who use alcohol and drugs do so because they can; these substances are readily available to them, and parents have very little control over their teen’s decisions around use. They do, however, have considerable influence in their teen’s decisions. The conversations you have and the example you set are the most crucial factors that influence your teen. 

This is great news for parents! Riera concludes that behaviors will come and go, but the values we instill in our children will be with them as they “emerge” from adolescence into successful and happy adults.


Bridget Gwinnett, Upper School Counselor

It is Right to Protect and It is Right to Respect

Monitoring what our children are exposed to is a real and difficult struggle all parents face. Being exposed to influences from particular friends, certain music or even dangerous environments, is a threat we carefully navigate every day. Every family wants to keep their children safe, and every family has different boundaries when it comes to deciding what is appropriate and inappropriate exposure to things they perceive to be risky. As a counselor, I frequently field two common questions in relation to our children’s exposure to various forms of electronic media:

• How much and what kind of video games should I allow my child to play? 
• What if I go through all this trouble to limit my child’s exposure, and then he gets to play it at someone else’s house? 

It is worthwhile to be careful and thoughtful in discerning what you allow your children to view. Subsequently, it is absolutely critical that parents are aware of what their children are viewing. With awareness, we are all well-equipped to guide our children to make good choices. In addition, I encourage parents to monitor their child's play behavior to see if they notice trends related to observing "violent games." Too much of anything is not good.

Sometimes children get agitated when they have too much time with screens in general. If they have trouble responding to the limits we set, that may be another sign they are a bit too invested in it. And of course, ADHD plays into it too, complicating things for certain children even more. All games, movies and music have ratings, and I find them very helpful as a guide in what is appropriate for kids. Ratings are useful in "backing me up" as a parent. The ratings alone, however, are not enough to make a good decision. That being said, I have found the values that set the ratings scale are not always reflective of what I think is appropriate for my children. There is no substitute for actually viewing things yourself and using your own judgment.

And therein lies the right vs. right dilemma. It is right to stand by our values and hold fast to that which we believe in. Our common values within our family hold us together and give us purpose. Our common values guide our every decision in parenting. We invest a great deal of time and energy sorting through what we believe in and how that will influence the way our families will conduct their lives. This includes careful discussions with our partner and other loved ones as we defend the position for our family on many subjects.

It is also right to respect that each family works through this process uniquely. And each family’s values are just as important to them as mine is to me. Where one family places a high value in avoiding all possible risk, other families believe in allowing their children to experience some risk as they grow and mature. This can build resilience and problem-solving skills. Too much risk is certainly dangerous. But I have yet to meet a parent who intentionally exposes a child to what they think will result in danger.

It seems easy at first to respect the two rights; we can all have different opinions, I get that. But what do we do when our child is exposed to things we don’t approve of at the neighbor’s house? Again, a right vs. right. It is right to protect and it is right to respect.

So what do I do? Sometimes I politely say no to an invitation. As my kids get older I see this is not always feasible (I am in the phase of picking my battles very carefully). Other times I know that the small amounts of exposure to higher risk environments outside my home could actually be a good thing. A time for my children to learn and practice how to navigate a world beyond the boundaries of my home. So that leaves me thankful for the different values evident in the families of my community. Hmmm…..it IS a good thing we all don’t think alike.

Michelle Bostian, Lower School Counselor