"I am not Creative" 

written and performed by sophomore Katerina Forbis

for her poetry portfolio assignment

Getting Ready for Letting Go

How do we know when our children are ready to take on the responsibilities of “emerging adulthood?” How can we be sure we have given them the tools they will need in order to be successful in their lives? What exactly are those tools anyway?

Emerging adulthood is a term used to describe that hazy period of time between adolescence and the true independence of adulthood with a stable job, committed relationship, and parenthood. I once presented a parent education workshop in which I reported that the timeline of “adolescence” has grown to include children as young as 11 and as old as 25. It was not well-received, as evidenced by the evaluations! This is a 21st century truth, and college is smack-dab in the middle of it!

In his book, Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers, author Michael Riera advises readers to make an essential transition in the parent-adolescent relationship from manager to consultant. Manager parents, according to Riera, focus on their children making the best decisions, but consultant parents help their children develop decision-making skills that will carry them through college and adulthood.

For many young adults, going to college is the first time they will be on their own and responsible for themselves to some degree. This is an emotional time for most families. Teens can experience a myriad of feelings, from fear to elation, as they consider the great adventure ahead: meeting new people and beginning to discover a world that they will one day lead. Parents, too, are proud and excited, yet anxious about the unknowns. Luckily, there are a few things you can do to keep your sanity as you and your teen figure this one out.

Of course it starts with communication — what good parenting advice doesn’t? Riera looks at communication from all angles and talks about the “hidden benefits” of arguing with your teen. If we, as parents, can stay calm and listen to our teens, we can help them develop skills to be calm, confident, and persuasive with their peers. Psychologist Joseph Allen conducted research at the University of Virginia that confirms teens who learned to effectively argue with their parents were 40 percent more likely to avoid drugs and alcohol than their peers who didn’t argue well with their parents.

All parents worry about alcohol and drug use for good reasons: the short-term concerns about safety and the long-term question: will my child become addicted? Most teenagers who use alcohol and drugs do so because they can; these substances are readily available to them, and parents have very little control over their teen’s decisions around use. They do, however, have considerable influence in their teen’s decisions. The conversations you have and the example you set are the most crucial factors that influence your teen. 

This is great news for parents! Riera concludes that behaviors will come and go, but the values we instill in our children will be with them as they “emerge” from adolescence into successful and happy adults.


Bridget Gwinnett, Upper School Counselor

It is Right to Protect and It is Right to Respect

Monitoring what our children are exposed to is a real and difficult struggle all parents face. Being exposed to influences from particular friends, certain music or even dangerous environments, is a threat we carefully navigate every day. Every family wants to keep their children safe, and every family has different boundaries when it comes to deciding what is appropriate and inappropriate exposure to things they perceive to be risky. As a counselor, I frequently field two common questions in relation to our children’s exposure to various forms of electronic media:

• How much and what kind of video games should I allow my child to play? 
• What if I go through all this trouble to limit my child’s exposure, and then he gets to play it at someone else’s house? 

It is worthwhile to be careful and thoughtful in discerning what you allow your children to view. Subsequently, it is absolutely critical that parents are aware of what their children are viewing. With awareness, we are all well-equipped to guide our children to make good choices. In addition, I encourage parents to monitor their child's play behavior to see if they notice trends related to observing "violent games." Too much of anything is not good.

Sometimes children get agitated when they have too much time with screens in general. If they have trouble responding to the limits we set, that may be another sign they are a bit too invested in it. And of course, ADHD plays into it too, complicating things for certain children even more. All games, movies and music have ratings, and I find them very helpful as a guide in what is appropriate for kids. Ratings are useful in "backing me up" as a parent. The ratings alone, however, are not enough to make a good decision. That being said, I have found the values that set the ratings scale are not always reflective of what I think is appropriate for my children. There is no substitute for actually viewing things yourself and using your own judgment.

And therein lies the right vs. right dilemma. It is right to stand by our values and hold fast to that which we believe in. Our common values within our family hold us together and give us purpose. Our common values guide our every decision in parenting. We invest a great deal of time and energy sorting through what we believe in and how that will influence the way our families will conduct their lives. This includes careful discussions with our partner and other loved ones as we defend the position for our family on many subjects.

It is also right to respect that each family works through this process uniquely. And each family’s values are just as important to them as mine is to me. Where one family places a high value in avoiding all possible risk, other families believe in allowing their children to experience some risk as they grow and mature. This can build resilience and problem-solving skills. Too much risk is certainly dangerous. But I have yet to meet a parent who intentionally exposes a child to what they think will result in danger.

It seems easy at first to respect the two rights; we can all have different opinions, I get that. But what do we do when our child is exposed to things we don’t approve of at the neighbor’s house? Again, a right vs. right. It is right to protect and it is right to respect.

So what do I do? Sometimes I politely say no to an invitation. As my kids get older I see this is not always feasible (I am in the phase of picking my battles very carefully). Other times I know that the small amounts of exposure to higher risk environments outside my home could actually be a good thing. A time for my children to learn and practice how to navigate a world beyond the boundaries of my home. So that leaves me thankful for the different values evident in the families of my community. Hmmm…..it IS a good thing we all don’t think alike.

Michelle Bostian, Lower School Counselor

Supporting Diverse Learners

Working with students who have a variety of personalities, strengths, and interests is both a privilege and challenge for teachers. In addition, a student’s learning style is among the many characteristics that make him unique. How do teachers support diverse learners? Having an elastic MINDSET, providing DIRECT INSTRUCTION, creating time for COLLABORATION, and teaching ADVOCACY are ways to construct an effective learning environment for all of our students who each have a unique and developing mind. 

An accepting and caring MINDSET is the most important key to supporting diverse learners.

Each student has something to contribute to the learning environment and school community. Discovering students’ strengths, interests, and personal goals helps us to appreciate and highlight who they are beyond what grade they earn on a test or how fast they read. Once these qualities are discovered they can be integrated into lessons and discussions, thus increasing the value of the lesson for students. Students need and want to know that we are on their side rooting for their success. Once this is achieved, academic support can happen in the most effective ways.

Strategies:

• Incorporate “get to know you” activities or have students write letters describing their strengths and interests.
• Support a student’s interests by attending his drama performance or sporting event.
• Talk to them about what is going on in their lives and show genuine interest in their responses.
• Constantly remind yourself where your students are developmentally and be realistic in your expectations while at the same time strive to help them grow academically and emotionally.

DIRECT INSTRUCTION of effective work habits goes a long way with all types of learners.

Offering instruction in study skills and executive functions allows students to understand the best ways for lifelong learning. Skills including goal setting, engaged reading, active listening, planning and scheduling, and organizing materials are habits that students can apply to a variety of settings and content areas.

Strategies:

• Give time and attention outside of class time by providing extra support on a more personal level.
• Help students set personal, specific, and achievable goals and then implement daily behaviors to move toward those goals.
• Review calendars on a regular basis and make action plans for the day/week/month.
• Allow time to clean out desks, notebooks, and lockers.
• Meet individually or in small groups to increase attention and engagement.
• Pre-teach new content by showing pictures and videos or having students research the topic ahead of time.
• Offer alternative options in your room, such as soft lighting and round table seating.
• Allow for different seating options such as exercise balls or bean bags.
• Coordinate extra support services such as homework help, one-on-one tutoring, or peer mentoring.

COLLABORATION among teachers, parents, and the students themselves creates a team approach

Individually, we see how students perform in our particular setting. It is important to collaborate with colleagues who also work with our students whether it be in a different subject area or in an after school activity. Making time to meet as a team allows teachers to discuss the whole child, as the best ways to address the needs of our students are developed. Parents should also feel a part of the team, as they can help us see each child as someone beyond a student in our classroom. Each child has a history, a personality, and hopes for himself that parents can help us to understand. We, in return, are able to share our expertise of learning and developmental characteristics with parents who crave this type of insight into their children. Finally, students must be part of the team. When we consult them, talk with them, and allow them to be a part of the decision making; we create buy-in from them when it comes to their learning. This collaboration creates a mutual trust with everyone working together in the best interest of the student.

Strategies:

• Collaboration with teachers: set aside time for team meetings, share strategies that work for a student with colleagues, observe students in other classes to discover what might not be noticeable while teaching the student yourself, and keep a log of student concerns and successes to share with appropriate teachers.
• Collaboration with parents: LISTEN and offer support (with Kleenex and chocolate if needed,) participate in parent conferences, always maintain confidentiality and be respectful to the privacy of families, and educate parents via workshops, book clubs, and website resources.
• Collaboration with students: Set aside time for individual conferences to set semester goals or to review a writing assignment, provide choices when coming up with a plan for students to achieve their goals, and LISTEN to their ideas and needs.

Teaching ADVOCACY allows students to be the leader of their educational experience.

When students are given opportunities to discover their strengths and accept their challenges as learners, they can then set realistic goals and implement the best strategies for reaching those goals. Students are also in a better position to advocate appropriately for themselves, thus becoming their own best supporters.

Strategies:

• Provide students with opportunities for constant reflection of their learning whether it be completing test corrections with a written explanation component or leading their own parent-teacher conference.
• Give a multiple-intelligence survey and help students focus on their own strengths while becoming resources for each other.
• Steer students away from ineffective strategies and offer options that are better suited for their learning styles.
• Coach students on how to advocate respectfully for themselves by helping them to compose a letter or email.
• Accompany the student to chat with another teacher when issues arise.
• Assist students in preparation for a parent conference with a template which the students fill in with their own notes.

Our students are the center of what we do and what we want to accomplish. We do not simply teach a subject, we teach children. We teach them how to learn and also to value the process of learning whether it be the process of writing a book report, completing a project, or preparing for a test. Our students are incredibly unique and yearn for us to know and value their strengths as learners and their qualities as people. When we appreciate our students’ diversity as learners and promise to stretch their capabilities and minds, we ultimately prepare them for independence from us.

Greensboro Day School Learning Resource Department

In a Student's Words...

I learn so much from the students I teach; they are incredibly intelligent, talented and creative. One of my students had an assignment to write an "artistic statement" about her life as a dancer. I'd like to share this piece written by Kate Montgomery, an 8th grader, and offer a glimpse of just one of the special things that I witness each day a in my role as a Middle School teacher at Greensboro Day School. – Pamela Thaxton, MS Learning Resource Specialist 



Artistic Statement
By: Kate Montgomery ’17

Blue, this is the color ballet would be, not pink not black, blue. Why is it blue you might ask? It is blue because it is light and airy yet strong and vibrant. Blue is one of those colors with seemingly endless shades that can literally be interpreted into any form, story, or emotion. This all depends on two points, the eyes of the observer and the feelings of the performer, and we can only hope that our feelings are dusted over the audience. The ability to take physical movements and turn them into a story or emotion takes someone with a wild imagination. To be able to share this sensation with an audience is what makes it an art. Ballet to me is that one place where you can say everything by simply raising an arm and touching it to your forehead, just as the corp girls in the first movement of Serenade so beautifully do. All of this because of a connection that you have between your body, your mind, and the observer; you first begin this connection when you are a child with a dream that will soon become an ambition.

Almost every little girl goes to ballet class and can't help but dream of being a Ballerina. Then the technique begins and suddenly that giddy feeling goes away. For me, my love for this art only grew stronger. As soon as the time came to begin working on our technique I was all in, and became more and more excited to go to dance. At Greensboro Ballet this meant moving up to Mr.D's class (John Dennis), and for many it seemed to be the scariest thing in the world, including me. However, his classes made me want to see what else was out there in the ballet world, so for Christmas that year my parents took my brother and I to New York City. While I was there my mom took me to see New York City Ballet's Nutcracker, where I got to meet one of the dancers who danced in the snow corp. I remember taking a picture with her and thinking how much I wanted to be her. I could barely sit in my seat as I watched the dancers fly across the snow covered stage in there long tulle skirts and pink shiny point shoes. My young seven year old self couldn't help but think how one day I would be there with my own pair of pink shiny point shoes. From then on, I worked as hard as physically possible. The summer of 2011, when I was attending Greensboro Ballet's summer intensive, I knew it was all going to pay off one day. The idea of waking up in the morning and knowing that my job would be to do what I loved suddenly became the only thing I could ever picture myself doing, and that's when I knew that this is what I was meant to do.

Dance, drenched in a pallet with beautiful shades of blue, a pallet that each person sees differently, the artist is to take their paint brush and create their desired shade. In other words, it is like a blank sheet of paper with guidelines and basic rules, but what you decide to do with it is up to you because every dance is like a new story or emotion just waiting to be unleashed. Sometimes the story is given to you and it is your job to bring it to life, other times you have to search for the story and let your imagination run wild. For when I dance I get that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you come home after a long trip and you finally sink into your own bed; that feeling of pure joy that overflows your veins and is released through your limbs. It empowers me to slip on those practically magical point shoes and show the audience what I can do and how happy I am to show them. It is that itch that you always feel the need to scratch, that one thing you dream about at night hoping it will only bring the moment where you can feel free and alive that much closer. I'm in a deep relationship with dance and we are in it for the long run.

Olga Lepeshinaskya, one of my favorite ballet dancers, was a principal with the Bolshoi Ballet in the 1940's. However, she recently died of old age. I first came to know about this once extraordinary dancer when I was nine years old waiting for class to begin. I looked up and saw a black and white picture of a seemingly happy dancer posing in attitude. Under the picture in black ink was typed a name that was obviously Russian with a particularly daunting last name. I sounded out the name that gave me such joy to pronounce. When my ballet teacher John Dennis walked up behind me while I was telling some of the other dancers about Olga, Mr. D told me a little bit about her. From then on, I was fascinated with the smiling petite Russian girl who could captivate an audience by throwing herself into the air and twirling across the stage with her massive pique turns. While looking at videos of Olga, I stumbled upon a full length recording of Balanchine's classic Swan Lake, this being my favorite ballet being performed by one of my favorite companies, I couldn't resist. I clicked play and was quickly put into a trance by the gorgeous choreography of the White Swan Pas de Deux into Odettes solo, a role I have always dreamed of portraying. For you are given the chance to show much diversity by playing two roles, Odette and Odile, who performs my favorite Pas De Deux, the Black Swan Pas De Deux, a Pas where Odile transforms into a sassy black swan who tricks prince Zigfried into thinking that she is his one love, Odette. What made watching this magnificent ballet even more spectacular, were the beautiful dancers of ABT, a company that I have come to love after watching endless videos of Misty Copeland, Gillian Murphy and so many more amazing dancers I can hardly resist the urge to someday be up there with them. There is just something about their dancers that just pops on stage with everything from superb technique to flawless stage presence. This company is a place I would like to someday make my destination after a long journey. One tool I have used to better my training is to get inspiration from ballets, dancers, and companies. When you know where you want to land it makes taking off that much easier.

"Always have a secret". These were words spoken by my ballet teacher, Mary Helen Mayfield. One day in class she told us to always have a little secret while we were dancing; something that the audience doesn't know, allowing you to perform and for the audience to not take their eyes off of you. Mrs. Mayfield's secret was always that she had a ruby in her tutu, my secret is that I have a little bird behind my ear that whispers all the steps to me. When my little birdie tells me what the steps are, it is then my job to show off the steps in beautiful shades of blue. This is a job that takes a large amount of imagination, passion, and a little birdie that tells you all the steps. That is why I dance.

Right vs. Right in Action

My awareness and sensitivity to right vs. right decisions has been heightened as a result of the many thoughtful readings and conversations I have had over the past few months while serving on the Ethics Team at Greensboro Day School. I felt this growing awareness quite deeply while attending the NAIS People of Color conference in Houston last week. The ethical dilemmas I encountered triggered a reaction in my heart, and I would like to share some of those dilemmas with you.

Sitting in a white affinity group for the first time (which is a blog unto itself), I discerned my first right vs. right decision. Across the cluttered circle of chairs, amidst brief introductions of who we were and where we worked, I was asked if I would describe Greensboro Day School to be progressive. On the one hand, it was right to be loyal to my home community, my positive view of the progress we have made, and reflect on the original intention of diversity when our school opened its doors over 40 years ago, as well as the diversity present in our faculty and families. Should I tout that GDS is one of the first schools in the state to have administered AIM (Assessment of Inclusivity and Multiculturalism) and that its results are a guide to our continued progress? Did I mention Tommy Webb, the Assistant Head of School, was amidst the discussion? “Yes, we are very progressive!” would be a right answer.

Another right answer lay in the awareness tugging at me that we have much work ahead of us. I had just sat through an incredible session hearing about the important work of affinity groups in schools for students who identify themselves as Black, Latino/Latina, Asian or GLBTQ (gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgender, questioning). The concluding video shared students expressing their reflections, including the vital role affinity groups are in their life and the impact to their community, made me well up with tightness in my throat. I also heard about schools with close to 30% minority faculty, including several in leadership positions, and similar statistics reflected in their student population. It would also be right, therefore, to say, “no,” we are fairly conservative and have much work to do to be considered truly progressive in this area. And so I did.

Although courage was helpful in answering the question above, it felt weightier as I navigated another right vs. right decision hours later. This was simpler, but felt so much more complicated. I had just left a session where I had been carefully sharing my first experience with race and admitting to strangers some of the spoken and unspoken messages I absorbed about race as a child from my family, especially my grandmother. Reconnecting with US teacher Estelle Bowden, who is black, we walked back to the hotel and shared our respective enlightenments of the day. The streets were loud with traffic and the air of the city smelled of oily exhaust mixed with the many delicious aromas from the restaurants we passed. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a stray cat ran across the sidewalk and startled us. It was a Calico, mostly white. Without thinking I chuckled, “Well that was interesting. I wonder what that means. At least it wasn’t black!” Estelle smiled and shared my brief laugh as we continued on the sidewalk. Or did she? What was she thinking inside? I recall from a class in graduate school that even our use of language is racist in its expression of the word black being associated with things that are bad. I was sick with a pang of guilt and embarrassment for saying something so ignorant. Here lies the right vs. right decision. Estelle didn’t seem to notice and I certainly didn’t mean anything by it. The superstition, “If a black cat crosses your path it is bad luck,” is commonly known. It was right to say nothing. Asking her about it may actually make her believe that I think she is oversensitive and analyzes everything white people say. Yes, right to say nothing.

But what lingered for me, in my private 60 seconds of anxiety, was that I am here at a conference on diversity, and I am aware I may have offended and I am CHOOSING to say nothing! How could I? Although I considered responding to the pit in my stomach, it was much easier to let the conversation rattle on to new topics and pretend that awkward moment, (just for me or both of us?), never happened. But the easier path is rarely the right path. Rushworth Kidder, in his book, Moral Courage, describes the powerful strength required to operationalize moral understanding into action. We have all said something and then realized a heartbeat later that it might have come out wrong, and knew the courage it would take to admit it. For me, the right choice to ask Estelle about the black cat comment outweighed the right choice to stay silent. So, twisting up my courage and prepared to be criticized, I did ask about my comment about the cat. For those of you who are curious, and to my great relief, Estelle wasn’t offended at all. She hadn’t even thought twice about it.

Day-to-day life provides many opportunities to notice and champion a variety of right vs. right decisions. Sometimes, they are seemingly small, and sometimes the dilemmas are sensitive and emotionally charged. The right vs. right dilemmas around differences in culture, race, socio-economics and sexual orientation are plentiful. Our Ethics Team will be participating in a two day workshop in January that will help us to discover and address the challenges in the many ethical dilemmas we face every day, large or small.

I encourage you to post your comments below; let’s keep the conversation going!

Michelle Bostion, LS Counselor

Talking with Your Children About Difficult Things

In light of the significant news coverage regarding the school shooting in Connecticut, it is possible you may be fielding questions from your children and hosting conversations you are a little unsure how to handle. Keep in mind that children will tell you with their questions how much and what they need to know. It is perfectly acceptable to say, “I don’t know,” in response to a question a child may ask you.

The following Web site might be of help to you as you begin to think about talking with your child: http://www.talkwithkids.org/first.html

Here are some additional tips:

• Before answering, it is a good idea to ask your child what she already knows about the topic in question.
• Be honest with your answers, but choose your words and explanations according to the child's understanding, and don't overload the child with too much information.
• Try to give answers that give hope and faith and are reassuring, but again, don't lie or give false hope or unrealistic promises.
• Be ready to answer the same question repeatedly. As has been found in several studies, even if parents do talk to children about difficult topics, children might later not remember it. So you need to have these discussions often. For a child, repeating a question might also be a form of getting reassurance.
• You don’t have to have all the answers. It’s okay to say, ‘I don’t know,’ but I will let you know as soon as I understand it better. The most important thing is that your children can feel you care about them.

Keep the lines of communication open. Do a lot of listening and reassuring. And look for ways to help your children cope. John King, Bridget Gwinnett and I are available if you observe any unusual behavior that may indicate your child may need additional support.

Michelle Bostian, Lower School Counselor